Archive for the ‘motivasi’ Category

Post raya blues- masih?

Masa kecil dahulu, saya dan kakak akan duduk di tangga rumah pada petang raya dan merenungkan kesedihan kami. “Masa petang rayalah masa paling tak best” kata saya yang kecil dahulu; “Sebab ni lah masa yang paling lama sekali untuk sampai pula ke raya yang lagi satu”. Maka kami berdua pun ‘melengung’ bersedih bersama-  sambil mengingat-ingatkan jumlah duit raya sebagai penghibur.

Masa berlalu, dan tidaklah saya bersedih menunggu raya yang paling lama akan tiba- kerana pada usia 48,  ramadhan yang di dambakan, dan saya juga tahu- jika dipanjangkan umur,  Rejab akan menjelang esok lusa. Semoga tabiat baik yang belum berjaya dimantapkan pada ramadhan yang lalu, mampu diterapkan sedikit demi sedikit sebelum Rejab menjelma dengan lajunya.

Namun perasaan sedih dan ‘kosong’  tetap datang mengikut jadual – dan saya mengharap pada usia sepatutnya sudah matang, saya mampu menanganinya dengan cara yang lebih baik sedikit dari semasa saya berumur lapan tahun.

Perasaannya tidak datang pada petang  raya. Ia tiba sedikit pada petang pengakhir ramadhan semasameningatkan peluang mengaut pahala berganda sudah ditutup. Menyesali tabiat yang masih belum mampu dimantapkan dan memujuk hati mengingatkan beberapa tabiat yang sudah tertanam. Namun review ini berlaku laju dan ringkas dalam keriuhan bersalaman dan bertanya khabar  saudara yang jauh yang sama-sama berkumpul di rumah ibu. Terbang melintasi fikiran wajah-wajah arwah. ayah (dengan wajah rekaan sendiri kerana beliau meninggal semasa saya bayi), nenek- semasa wajah ceria beliau, ibu dan ayah mertua- tak sempat pun menghadiahkan fatihah pada detik tersebut- sekadar perasaan puas hati kerana menjangkakan mereka beroleh manafaat dari sedekah-sedekah disepanjang ramadhan. Agaknya begitulah ingatan anak-anak kepada kita nanti di akhir ramadhan. Maka nadiyah dan bakal bakal mayat semua- carilah bekal akhirat sendiri agar dapat pahala mengalir sendiri, dan berharaplah  belas ehsan dari Allah. Janganlah kita meletakkan pergantungan untuk sedekah dari anak-anak kelak!)

Berbalik ke perasaan sedih- ia juga tidak datang pada petang raya lagi, kerana tiga empat hari sibuk dengan urusan silaturraheem, abang akak sendiri, anak-anak menantu, kawan lama sekampung yang baru berjumpa semula, saudara serumpun yang perlu dikenal semula anak cucu mereka kerana masing-masing bertambah ahli.

Post raya blues sekarang tiba  pada hari anak-anak dewasa pulang semula ke tempat mereka.

Kakak Iman sudah menaiki keretai  malam semalam, Abang Mat, Kakak Najat n incoming baby akan menaiki feri pagi ni. Isa dan Ibrahim  sudah diarah mengemas beg untuk ke asrama masing-masing – mereka sedang berlumba ‘last kopek’  me laptop. Hikmah – pembantu akademik – sedang naik bas menuju ke sini. Anak raya pulang ke tempat kerja. Anak kerja pula meninggalkan ibu bapa dan kembali ke ibu kerja mereka. Hidup kembali ke rutin asal.

Saya memproses kesedihan ini.

Tidaklah pada umur ini menyesali keseronokan yag berlalu kerana raya bagi dewasa sangatlah meletihkan dan lebih kerap mengundang ‘escapism’ ke celah mana-mana ruang untuk mencuri tidur sebelum dipanggil menyelamatkan dari kerenah anak, membancuh air tamu, atau bersosial melayan tamu.  Pulang ke rutin kerja juga tidak pernah membosankan kerana  bagi dewasa – kerjalah mainan kita.

Saya kira ia bukannya kesedihan merenungkan sambutan raya berlalu, tetapi syahdu yang timbul pada masa transisi. Masa-masa begini mengingatkan kita tentang lajunya berlalu masa- dan kita mengukur apakah kita telah menggunakan sepenuhnya untuk memenuhi tujuan asal hidup – untuk berjuang mendapatkan keredhaan Allah dan bersama seramainya selamat  jika ditempatkan di syurga kelak.

Adakah anak-anak dewasa saya sedar akan tujuan hidup, atau adakah mereka terleka mengejar dunia? Adakah kita juga serupa dengan mereka? Tidak mustahil kita sedang menangisi orang lain bermimpi- sedangkan rupanya, kita juga sedang dalam mimpi. Adakah anak-anak kecil mampu membentuk diri mereka sehingga boleh menjadi dewasa Muslim yang akhirat conscious? Semua ini, telah terluut sebentar semasa ramadhan dalam kesibukan mengatur jadual hidup padat ramadhan, terlupa juga pada saat menyambut aidil fitri dengan kesibukan menguhubungkan silaturrahim berselirat. Apabila anak-anak melangkah pergi dan hampir kembali ke rutin asal- maka perkiraan ini kembali bersama kesedihan melambai pergi ramadhan dan aidil fitri.

Ya Allah. Aku kembali mendaftar diri menjadi pekerjaMu. Akan kusambung tugas harianku, mengingati diriku dan orang lain mengenai hakikat kehidupan. Akan ku ajak semua orang bersama mencari bekalan akhirat. Bantulah kami  ya Allah.

Semoga tiada yang ku kenali dan ku sayangi tercicir dalam perjalanan ini. Semoga tiada yang tersangkut dan terpaksa transit di neraka- lindungilah- ya ALlah. Semoga semua melalui perjalanan yang mudah menuju kepadaMu Ya Allah. Selamatkanlah murid-muridku yang masih belum Islam beserta keluarga n keturunan mereka yaAllah. Kekalkanlah dan tambahkanlah hidayah kepada semua yang ku kenali sehingga kami selamat bertemu Mu Ya Allah. bantulah kami ya Allah- berilah curahan hidayah yang tidak putus putus – lindungilah kami dari kelekaan dunia dan kejahatan diri kami sendiri. Setelah kami mati nanti- kau lindungilah perjalanan kami sehingga selamat bertemuMu dalam keredhaanMu Ya Allah.

Sabbatikal

ha ha, found this draft in the bin, wrtitten in Jan- and look what’s written in it- NOTHING! That just shows how wonderful my sabbatical was, when the time flew so fast that I did not manage to put even one word in.

 

I am posting this anyway. Hello, it’s almost a month past my sabbatcial already and I am supposed to submit my book, which as it is now is… errr unfinished (actually it’s  nearer to just started.. but please don’t tell anyone from my workplace… shhh) I’m gonna pretend to give it a few finishing touch (make a mad dash of  marathon typing)

pray for me, everybody!

One Hoarder’s Salvation

Last raya, my daughter brought home horror videos that gave  me goosebumps and queasy stomach aches. It wasn’t about vampires or and did not contain any violence. It was only a reality show that featured regular people troubled by the messy houses – only messy would be an understatement for their situation.

Apart from wondering how people could get entertained by seeing other people’s messes, I could not help taking notes and comparing those people to me and my own situation. Perhaps, the show is popular not for its entertainment value, but for its educational value.

I know I should have a mother’s pride and bop my daughter on the head for daring to show me the videos. Bop bop “Are you saying that I am a hoarder?” Bop bop bop. “Well if I am one, shouldn’t you have come home and help me unhoard?” more bops. heh heh.  But, I was too scared for mother’s pride, so I simply watched one after another while taking private notes.  If I am bad as a housekeeper, I pride myself in being a fast learner.  If ever I  identify what skills I need to learn, I wouuld learn fast.

Lesson no 1, I have to admit to myself that I am a hoarder. A mild one, maybe, and only confined to certain stuff- but nevertheless, I am one.

I have prided myself in living the zuhud, zimple life.  I have not more than five active dresses. I do not own a sofa or a tv set, and we eat on the floor in a an empty  kitchen; but, but but……… I have boxes and boxes of books stashed everywhere I could afford to stash. On campus, I have squirreled  unopened boxes on the floor around my office, in the electricity room, in a spare room I claimed as mine.  After a distinguished professor rightfully reclaimed the professor room, and the electrician evicting my boxes, I had to move them out.  I did manage to throw away all my phd references ( they could be retrieved electronically should anyone else want them, and face it, who would want references for a phd more thatn five years ago? )

So, while  watching the hoarders, I congratulated myself for this self-taught unhoarding philosophy, which, according to the show was the right one.

Unfortunately, the one step was not enough unhoarding. Only a few of my very old textbooks were put out to the public which were quickly grabbed by- heh heh young hoarders to be, I bet). The rest were painfully transported back to my storage house, waiting to be processed.

Yes, I have a storage house – a sure sign of being a hoarder. It used to be a temporary storage place, one of the rooms  I took, in the house that I rented for storing old clothes donated by other people.

Ok, I have a big trap for hoarding to be – I collect old clothes donated by other people, I sell them for charity money. At one point the clothes got so bad that I could not put in any new clothes donated, that I had to stop accepting new donation s.

The clothes are in control now. I have gotten a house rented for free from my kind-hearted university, and I now have a person paid to take care of the stuff. We have created a system for getting rid of unsold clothes – we pay people to shred them, stuff them, and sell them as small pretty pillows.

Although I made a fine move in my charity work, I wasn’t progressing on the personal area.  My one room store had grown into a whole house full of boxes of books and other stuff.

I have now moved to a new house, and in trying to restore some order to my life, I strictly brought only stuff that we needed to survive.  Stuff that had been in opened boxes were left unopened in the old house. We now have a livable non hoarders house now, but I have left behind in my old rented house, full of all those other unneeded stuff – solid proof that I am a certified, full scale, troubled hoarder.

Other things that I took note from the show:  there was this one lady (a fat one – I noticed that most of the hoarders were fat. Perhaps, we tend to hoard food in our bodies as well?). Anyway, this lady was so righteously upset with her hoarding husband that she gave him the line- shape up or ship out. However, when the cleaning team came in, she discovered that it was her who was holding on to the stuff more than him.  When the therapist confronted here, I  was as assaulted as her on learning that  she was actually a hoarder too – and a worse one than her husband! What a painful thing to learn and accept – for her and for me, too.

That was a tough pill to swallow. I had always blamed my situation to my husband- who seemed to not be able to throw away anything. But I had to admit- as my husband had always pointed out to his defense – most of the junk were mine, and I had never seen them as junk because I saw them as precious books.

So there I was, very upset with myself, and no one to turn to, and no plan on how to unhoard. To make things worse, my little kids, who had enjoyed wtching all the videos,  had learned the word and the concept of hoarding. They kept mentioning the H word  they see any similarity to the show- and that was of course – too often for comfort.

Apart from bop bopping them on the head, I could just wring my hands because I could not see yet how to get out of my situation. I had some plans on how I could contain my husband’s stuff, but I blanked out on mine.  My plane for him was to give him one tool shed to put his outdoor tools ( which I will not list here), and a room to put his indoor stuff ( such as photos from his pre marriage, camera crazy days;  text books from his undergraduate days, and loads and loads of official letters from the government to him as a teacher, and oh- students assignments and  collections of magazines which he planned to bind in hardcover)

I believe that if I confine his stuff to one room, I can still claim to be the good wife, and he can learn how to handle all his stuff within the two confined space. My plan is to-  once a year- go in there, change the boxes to new boxes – or maybe buy plastic containers  to make the junk more roach proof.  Should he die before me, I will mourn for him, and would respectfully transfer the junk – the next day or after. Should I die before him, I plan to  claim good wife-ship  for letting him hoard freely within the two confined space – and  well, let his future wife be forewarned. I believe in the story of blue beard where the wife gets beheaded for venturing into his no no room.

My plan for my own problem was less clear. I was  fine with throwing away my stuff, but I hesitated when it comes to books. For a book lover like me, they were sacred stuff. I couldn’t simply throw them in the trash – I am not American that way! And I could not give them to people because I was not confident that they would appreciate the books for what they are worth.

So, I simply went on paying rent, feeling stupid and  wretched doing it. I suffered and ‘the house’ problem was one of the main topics in my hajat prayers.

Alhamdulillah, some times ago, something happened, that opened a path for me to normalness and salvation.

A friend who was working in Saudi came back (also during the same raya) and dumped me with  tons of children s storybooks. Being an old time charity worker, I professionally took the loads, and decided what to do with them. Put them to sale online – a quick professional decision. I wished I could make the same decision about my own books. But how could he have easily let go of the books?  The friend had a child about to come to the age of reading those books, and yet he was giving them away. I asked him about it and was surprised to learn of his thinking.

He shrugged and said; ” The books have been read and had served their purpose. There’ll be other new books for this coming child – We’ll be collecting new books along the way”.

What a new thought to me.  Here I was, congratulating myself on saving  all the story books for the younger child when I could have given them to be used by other children. And worse, all those books that I had been buying for myself. Who am I selfishly saving them for?

I pictured myself dead, my husband and children burning all my books – never read again after my one time reading. You know what? I believe the surah at takaa thuur, the one about people hoarding riches – for the first time, I realised that they do apply to me in terms of my books. I will end up dead- having collected all those books read only once. What a waste of God’s resources! Saving books are not virtuous. Hoarding them could be as bad as hoarding other worldly junk. Watching American hoarders  and their American saviors try to help them had made me think of  throwing away books as the only solution, and I could not accept that. Now, Allah has shown me  a more Islamic way of solving my problem.

So, alhamdulillah, I made up my mind to get rid of my books and let them go to other people who might make better use of them. And I know that I’d better be doing that before “hatta kumul ma qaa bir” applies to me – before my grave arrive to me. heh heh. what a liberating thought!  Kalla sau fa ta’ lamuun.  “Only then I will know”.  Ok, Allah, I will insaf and know now, and not wait till then. I will not wait till I die and see people burning my books.  I will distribute my books to those who will use them now – before I die.

Of course this decision was not made overnight. It was processed during many moons, with pictures of me dying, and teams of people carrying out my cockroach infested @ termite infested books to the trash. Plus, even after I firmly made my decision, I still could not make up a plan on how to do it. Every time I thought of the house, I got a stomach lurch, and I said- Allah- help me out of this quandary.

In the mean time, I was busy working on my new yayasan, and never had time to even plan on the house. Being busy and overtaxed,  I kept paying the house rent- feeling wretched every payment, and then conveniently forgetting about the house till the next pay time.

It was out of desperation that I thought of using my own yayasan to help me.  Feeling desperate and dwon, I had this black thought that had it been another person in trouble asking for my help, I would have use my yayasan to bail him out in a win win solution.

Alhamdulillah, after I allowed myself to think about it, I did came up with a solution to bail me out.  I needed to keep the rented house because I need to use the room  and the shed for my husband’s stuff. I was going to rent out the other rooms as a homestay, but I was not able to do it because my boxes of stuff were all over the house.  My maid had cleaned up the three other rooms, but told me that I needed to take charge of those boxes because she could not do anything about them.

So I decided that I would hand in the house to the yayasan – which would be run by me (duh!). yayasan would pay the rent, and take the profit (or the losses), and I would  take the room and the outside shed as my payment from yayasan. It felt like a crony ish bail out, and I did not feel good about it, but I was desperate- besides, I reasoned, I had already worked for free for this yayasan, and freeing me of this burden would make me a more effective CEO.  And hey, yayasan is only paying for the rent without having to shell out money for the aircond, the beds and furniture.  To make me feel a bit better than worse, I gave myself a deadline- if the venture does not bring in enough money in four months time, I will take back the responsibility for the rental.

Having put the house under yayasan management magically changed the situation. (which is very funny coz yayasan management is only me, ha ha) Having paid this month’s rent with yayasan money, I quit having stomach lurch passing the house- I had adrenaline fight and flight. What are you doing nadiyah, letting people’s money go to waste?!

I immediately commanded my staff to think of a plan and put it in the red zone. We need to bring in money fast. So we held a meeting, and set a target to have the house habitable by – gasp-  two weeks – because my university is having a convo fest, and somebody is sure to take up the house.  The IT team  had to put up an ad on our website- never mind that, first put an ad on Mudah.com- like now!. Somebody go get boxes, and you social workers- go get volunteers to clean up the stuff.

On the morning of the cleanup, I briefed them on our target- to make the house habitable. On my part as the hoarder, I had to sort my books- into those for sale, those I want to keep, and of course stuff to trash. It was funny and not like the show because I was the  hoarder, and also the head of the cleaning team, the only eaction I could think of was kah kah kah.

My student volunteers were very gracious, not commenting much on my junk, and my friend who brought her students was quite soothing- telling me that the books were just too much, and giving it away was the best I could to for them.

What a feeling of accomplishment, when we manage to mop the floor, take down the curtains, ship away those books to be sold, books to be given away. We put my husband’s stuff in new boxes and stored them in the room, to be dealt later in another phase. Now that I have gained control over my own stuff, I am more tolerant towards his. I plan to get  some good wife points by buying shelves and shelving his stuff so that he could get to them conveniently, and should his stuff still be there a year from now, I will dutifully repack them in better containers. Of course I could also do other dutiful wife stuff like solat hajat for his hoardingness heh heh – but I am not going to risk my good wifey points by trying to reform him, no no, not me – I do not have that much good wifey point to begin with.

I must say that I feel gooood because I have just been able to control my stuff, and the rented house is ready to be rented as homestay, and I am not wasting away yayasan’s money or my money. What a difference between me the yayasan ceo and me the nadiyah person. I thank Allah for this decsion, which I feel confident now that I made the right decision, for yayasan and me. Should the business venture not bring in money, I  would gladly take back this house-there is so much I can do with it now that it is habitable. However, I am confident of this venture because so far, I have not lost any money yet in yayasan ventures.

I believe I am a much calmer, happier, more at peace person now than this morning, and I thank Allah for helping me with this, and that is my story of one hoarder’s salvation- self propelled, with the help of video clips brought home by daughter.  However, I will not thank my daughter for bringng back the scary videos, but with motherly pride, I will bop her on the head the next time I see her; “so you think your mother is a hoarder, eh? How could you!” bop, bop!

Trimming The Branches

When we were younger, we had our lives ahead of us. We want to explore and try new paths. Now that I am older I feel that there would always be too many roads to explore, plus I’ve done some road a few times.

What I need to do now is to prune the branches of my life so that the selected few can be cultivated to bloom- with whatever little energy and life left in me so that I can make somewhat of an impact to this world.

Impact might be too strong a word- I mean – to make a difference that counts in- in this life and the Hereafter.

After turning away from world riches ( not the real riches, but the dream and effort of getting them) and fame, he he, I’m left with my family, my work, my khidmat masyarakat, and myself.

Ok- family: running at minimum intrusion.  Two grown up kids, three growing up boys – a matter of waking them up in the morning to send them to school, and fetching them home; a little toddler, who’ll probably grow up with my regular benign neglection.  Oh yes- also a low maintainance husband. Should I say that I’m doing ok in this area?

Work:  Being on sabbatical, I might be biased in judgment. My dream is to run my work on the minimal maintenance mode, though I had vague memories of trips to Kota Bharu and jumping down from the van to teach for ten hours marathon, and night meetings for supervision on top.

I still hope to be able to – heh heh- float through my work. Say if, the people in charge were to hand me my prof madya, and say, that I should be satisfied with that, I could forget about research and writing, and just float on teaching the same subjects again and again? heh heh.

Well, ok, let’s plan it to be somewhere in between free floating   teaching, but let’s say I plan my work to be finished during office hours , do you think I could still devote some hours like two hour every other day, or two days of half -days for yayasan work?

Things I have given up: ( thought I still keep them in my dreams)

to start and finish  the numerous books in my head, the academic ones, the social ones, the self help money earning ones, and (sigh!) the creative self-expressions

ok, book writing I can’t give up the dreams, but I have never yet started on trying to make it a reality.

Other stuff that I have really given up on:

recording wonderful nasyids by children – ok nadiyah- not that important

of writing for children – no nadiyah, you do not have time for that, forget even the dreams- in syurga ok?

of trying to open a pondok. There are too many pondok anyway, plus you already have a yayasan to run.

a zadul maad koop? – can, but put that under your yayasan scheme, which means it is the 100th  down in the list of priority

to start my own business and earn my  money instead of  a salary? – nadiyah- only do this if you get sacked, okay?

vegetable gardens, cili padi, kunyit, soft sawi for the picking – ha ha ha no comment on this ok?

being an active ustazah and reforming the world- yeah yeah you can keep this dream, but how about reducing it to teaching one or two people how to pray

world famous blogger- yeah yeah. sure.  like you can always come back here once a year to type a few lines for your FB friends to read.

I have this wacky sayings fro somewhere which I thought was cute:

Never before have so many people with so little to say said so much to so few.

he he – exactly

You can call yourself world famous blogger, nadiyah. won’t cause you a cent, and wont’ hurt anyone in the process. define world as Those who know you- haggle them to read you entries- done. but of course you have to type in something at least once a year. and please could you fix your typo?